i don't know

we were texting our brother yesterday, he'd moved to another state, but barely got there before saying he wasn't feeling it and was going to come back soon, and later said he felt unfulfilled

and it came to mind again that, i don't know what anywhere else would bring out in us, that we haven't already been told a million times, and already failed a million times, to do

we've lived in this area our whole life, bar the year of college crushed by mental health issues

what chance is there that a reset, somewhere new, with the knowledge and personal resources we have now, would change anything

how would that even happen

when you hear about this stuff in like, stories, or sometimes even personal narratives, it's usually because the person is trying to run away from themself or their problems, and those problems just come with them.
so why would kitsches be exempt from that

we told our brother that we admired his ability to at least try to seek fulfillment, even though he hasn't been able to so far

[*hasn't been able to -find it- so far]


i dunno. is it hard to care about this city and neighboring towns, having lived here like this for so long?

what would we find investment in in a new town? wouldn't it be equally indifferent to our existence, an equal struggle, but with less familiarity and less comfort? does the comfort matter?

i wish we didn't feel more inadequate and incapable of travelling than we do of staying

cutting ties with present family as much as possible was ideally supposed to make things like this easier to comprehend. i guess ingrained habits don't just evaporate, though

i just. don't see how we could take such a leap, cognitively and [without significant luck] practically

it always ends up easier and 'more important' to just put what hope and energy we get towards the same old tired assignments

am tired of sucking down resources, am tired of subconsciously expecting eventual help while simultaneously chastising myself because there is no guarantee of it and knowing that it's severely limited regardless

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